Watson Plate - West Mids GC, Hampton in Arden: April 2015

HEADLINES!

NO APRIL SHOWERS FOR KERSTEN !

ANOTHER CONTROVERSY ROBS ANDY AND GWYN OF FIRST VICTORY!

THE NORTH CONQUERS AGAIN!

MORRIS AND PHILLIPS BECOME THE FIRST OFFICIALLY CAUTIONED FOR SLOW PLAY!

APRIL at WEST MIDS GC , Hampton in Arden.

First of all, congratulations to the southern players and wives for making the trip in greater numbers and ensuring we sent out 7 teams on a glorious sunny day in Warwickshire. It was good to see the already successful Chris Reardon and the almost successful Gwyn Williams up there. The course was wonderful, the drama of the 18th island green a fitting climax, and the night in the pub was one of the best yet.

The teams really divided into 3 on this particular day.

The PLANT POTS led by Dae Plant were consistent. A dodgy 46 on the front nine and a dodgy 46 on the back nine. Like a true Captain Dave left himself the tee shot on the 18th - and they promptly got a 7.

NO ACCOUNTS, led by Rich Marston, also struggled and limped in with 90. Although their scoring was sporadic. With fay and Chris Rose in the team they got four 3's and four 4's but also had five 7's. You can't win with five 7's. Again , the 18th hole did them no favours.

Finally, in this underperforming group comes FULLERS EARTH, also on 90. The first two holes were a false dawn. Putts wouldn't go down and then the disaster of the 16th hole - which was to play a part in the eventual outcome. Only Clare had bothered to read the Local Rules and realised the 15th/16th boundary of posts was out of bounds. Having no reason to choose that particular drive the team played off the 15th fairway and was duly and correctly docked 2 shots. The only consolation was that Tom holed from 80 yards over a tree and claimed an unlikely 5 even with the penalty! Gil had played no part at all until the 14th when he started to finally hit the ball. Barry had a nice cart.

Now for the teams that came 3rd and 4th.

CLARE'S CELL had a 44 on both nines.It would have been better without the 6 on the last. Vicki smashed it onto and over the island. The ball is probably still travelling. Got the distance then! Infact they got six 6's and six 4's on their card. The only other note was the general bonhomie and clown-like demeanour of a life-affirming Kev. Yeah, we made that bit up......

ROWE OF HOUSES also scored 88. They did get a very creditable 4 on the tricky 18th. Dave Rowe and Chris Reardon are formidable hitters and Nigel "Bill Nighy" Phillips is good on the green. A lot of sneaky money was on these three. But five 6's and first nine total of 49 ruined their chances. They came back in 39 to come third on countback.

Now for the big drama.

THE SWEETMEN - Andy , Gwyn and Colin. Colin has won before. But for Andy and Gwyn this would have been name on the Trophy time.Their card was consistently good all the way around and should have won by four shots. In golfing terms they were the best team but finished second on 84. They were penalised 2 shots on the 15th for choosing a ball and a drive they didn't have to choose. Which so un-nerved them they got a 7 on the 17th when they should still of won. Of all the ways to lose it this was the cruellest yet, they even got a 4 on the 18th.

This was even worse than the DavePlant/Mike White "I am an engineer and a mathematician" adding up fiasco at Eastbourne.Andy and Gwyn have revenge to enact and I hope it comes at Canterbury or Welford.

Which leaves the Winners and reigning Palermo Champions - THE WHITE TRIPES!

An incredible 38 on the back nine won the trophy by one shot after the other teams breach of rules. Mike , Kersten and Doug Heal showed no embarrassment as they kissed the Shield and romped away the night. Neither should they - the lucky b...........ds.

Let's note the following - Mike has been consistently winning and challenging over the last 12 months. Doug has refound his mojo and is finding a way to win whatever the format ( which is why I want a piece of his coach and guru Andy Williams), and Kersten......well, what a revelation.

She has converted the power of hockey onto the golf course. Can easily win the Longest Drive from off the ladies tees, but has more of a game than just strength. And this from someone who rarely plays. It is quite clear that Kersten and Janet Fuller will have their handicaps tumbling down if the ever get out there more than twice a year! I think this is Kerstens third individual Trophy and first Watson Plate win. The Ladies are coming - be very worried gents. We wanted more lady players and have put a plan in place to encourage that and it is definitely working. More of that later. So WELL DONE The White Tripes!

THE NORTH v THE SOUTH Marston Cup July 11th 2015

Waterstock GC at Oxford was again the venue of the Yankees v Confederates battle. A much more substantial affair this year with 17 players taking part in a cut-throat struggle for supremacy (er... that is drinking champions of Oxford). Another beautiful sunny day. The first Palermo moment was when we realised there were two "Bald Dave's" that had paid.I blamed Chris. Chris blamed me. We agreed in the end that it was Fay's fault.

So, as punishment, Chris Rose went out in a singles match against Dave Plant. It didn't look good for the South when Chris announced on the first tee that he was going to get slaughtered. Just to prove himself right , he did. But only after he had sunk a 40 yards pitch over bunkers.1-0 to the North.

Next out was Fay Wright v Vicki Rose and Gil Wright playing alternate shot (really Greensomes for you professionals).

Whatever we expected to happen what unravelled was four hours of joy and amazement. Fay has rarely played better and as an individual played to a handicap of 20. I suspected the sum of the parts of the VickGil Monster would be in for a long but mirthful day. Not a bit. It turned out to be the best match and probably the best round I have been involved in. About the 4th hole a light came on for Vicki. Stiff wrists, long arms, straight hitting.

With my new watch (thanks again to all those demented but kind fools who sponsored the watch so I now know how far my ball has gone off line...) and a Judge as my witness we clocked one of Vicki's drives at 201 yards. She began to average 150-185. With the run and the dry surface I was getting 250 off the tee and then having to take Vicki's ball! Not only that, but when asked to play out of the trees on the 10th so I could have a shot she misunderstood instruction and chipped it out between the tree trunks, around a bunker and six feet from the pin. With our 3rd shot she hit the base of the pin on the 18th leaving me another one foot putt.

BUT , more important than any of this, she now knows it is possible to enjoy yourself on a golf course, not bad for someone who didn't want to play. So Fay played great and got crushed. North 1 South 1. All even.

Roz & Mike v John K & Dave Rowe

Third game out but first proper fourball. And a big match. Both sides had gone for the first point and this was the lowest overall handicap game out there.

The first indication the South had risen again was when we crossed on the 8th and Dave was smiling while Roz and Mike were strolling backwards and forwards through the trees looking for Mike's ball. To be fair Mike had looked tired before he started. By the 9th he looked positively knackered. Apparently Roz had had him on some golf marathon playing every day for a week and failed to notice he needed hospitalisation. They were 3 down by then. Mr Kullman was grinning and Dave , on a hole where he had a shot, drove the green. Only one outcome. North 1 South 2.

So the next game was critical. Tom & Kev v Colin & Nigel. Tom and Kev went 4 -up immediately. They were six up after 10. A massacre. Second only to The Little Big Horn. Only it wasn;t! Tom and Kev didn't win another hole on the back nine and had to halve the last to complete an essential 1 hole victory. This was possibly a little relaxing and momentum swing, but mainly due to the phenomenal form of Mr Morris. His back nine performance was as individually good as any seen in the Society. This was the dramatic match of the day. And also raised another issue in regards to slow play. More of that later. North 2 South 2.

Final and deciding match, Clare & Doug v Rich and Chris L. It is no secret that as Captain of the North and having tried varying combinations in the past it was deciding this year to put partnerships together that played regularly together.

The odd thing here was that neither of the North pair had won in the Marston Cup for 5 years since Clare won with Gil the first time in Kent. The Captain's instructions were, "Concentrate Clare and ignore anything Chris Langridge says" , and, "Doug, try to stay on the course". They listened and won comfortably. North 3 South 2.

THE NORTH WIN THE MARSTON CUP!! It will be travelling to Piperdam GC in Dundee. Arbroath GC in Angus. Carnoustie and St Andrews. And will be polished. Woohoo baby !!

MORRIS AND PHILLIPS BECOME THE FIRST OFFICIALLY CAUTIONED FOR SLOW PLAY!

When we saw the partnerships it immediately caused concern that the two slowest players in the Society, if not the history of golf were paired. Rich was warned that people may have to take Monday and Tuesday off work if playing behind this pair. And so it proved. The Captain's advice to Tom and Kev was " Don't let it effect you. Stay calm." Sadly a two hole gap opened up between this game and the one infront, a 35 minute silence on the 18th green. The teams behind backed up and Kev began to reach for his cyanide pill.

It is a fact that Mr Morris and Mr Phillips are slower than anyone else. But this cannot move from habit to deliberate tactic. Innocent by-standers are growing beards and missing the births of their firstborn as Colin and Nigel whip up a slumber fest. Mike used to be as bad but Roz has cured him.

Please don't make me put you with Roz gentlemen for a little electronic therapy. One simple rule. KEEP UP WITH THE TEAM INFRONT. No more than 1 hole gap or PICK UP or LET THROUGH. These snail-worshipping funeral chasing statues have been warned, officially. The Rules Committee (Roz with a stick) will penalise individuals or teams for slow play from now on. Two shots or loss of hole. New rule.

THE PHILOSOPHY OF MR PHILLIPS

A great night was had at The Turf. First in the front bar and then the trestle tables outside. Clare threw herself on the cobbles with an attempted photobomb that went wrong and damaged her ribs. Jane Kullman was unmasked as Meryl Streep. And Mr Phillips made our end of the table cry with laughter. His two gems have now been adopted as Society slogans.

When challenged about slow play his studied defence was "It's unfair! I am always infront of the people behind me!" This would baffle even Socrates. We appealed to Judge Wright who admitted the accuracy of his statement. But pointed out that he clearly had missed the point about being behind the people infront of him.

Nigel's next pearl of wisdom was bemoaning the unfairness and downright cheating of those members who play any round of golf between our competitions. Or any form of practising or hitting the ball. This is not what he joined for, he yelled. " I want to be a member of a Golf Society that doesn't play Golf!!" Again this is philosophically quite challenging, in a Dr Strangelove kind of way.

On a serious point there are one or two members who have struggled over the last year because they don't get the chance to play enough and those other bastards who have retired have got better.Please hang on in there. Because I wouldn't want to be a member of a Society without Nigel, or new learners, or the slow eccentrics and loonies we have.In the end it is about fun and laughing. Nobody really remembers the winners. They are the ones with no mates! Keep swinging!

Gil July 2015