Arscott Golf Club Shrewsbury - April 19th 2017

Doug Heal and Gil had long thought Arscott would be a good venue for a Palermo challenge. Hole variation, opening postage stamp par 3, last two holes over water and the tricky 18th surrounded by trees under the club house. Good food. Good beer. Friendly. Beautiful scenery.

Usually this means torrential rain or a nuclear rail accident nearby. But, for one, it all turned out exactly as written on the tin.

An 11 am start in sunny weather, everyone coffee full and keen. For a change here are the teams in tee order, the winners will be lauded as we go:-

PLANT POTS

Dave Plant led Jolly Phillips and Gil Wright into the valley of death (after the first two holes and through the hedge down the path). Obviously with this team I have insider knowledge. I confess to complete course knowledge as well, having played at Arscott probably more than anywhere else now. Did it help? Well, we knew where to hit the ball. But HOW was the main problem, well at least for me. It is fair to say Jolly putted really well throughout the first three hours and Dave was as reliable as ever. They carried Gil for the first 9 until concern was shown about where 6 drives would come from before Christmas (Spanky was rebelling). Then Gil woke up, as Jolly and Dave slid downwards. Never quite recovered from the short 8th and a three putt. But just going around with Dave and Jolly was as relaxing and fun as it gets.

WIZARDS OF ROZ

Roz White led Chris Langridge and Janet Fuller in an attempt at repeating the Roz/Chris triumph of Hinksey Heights several years ago. The body language dragging themselves up to the lake on the 18th suggested it hadn’t quite happened this time, too many putts left out there, too many unpredictable greens. But they did well enough to still be smiling.

FARMERS UNION

Led by the enigmatic Chris Leach, sometime farmer sometime golfing bandit, this team had Gwyn Williams and Clive Ennis. Now when this team was drawn I thought they might be there or thereabouts. Chris has a very good record, Gwyn won last time out, Clive is playing more and has a few comps under his belt now. They did do well but couldn’t match the clear winners.

SEVENTH COLUMN

Clare Kapur in charge of John Kullman and Vicki Rose. John is waiting for his knee operation and needs a chariot to get about. While no doubt the first 17 holes were interesting (certainly for Clare who won longest drive) the 18th over the lake was the best entertainment of the day. Firstly, most teams had had the sensible debate about whose tee shots should be taken on the 17th and 18th. Make or break time. Most teams had plans and then the plans tend to get ripped up when balls land in gorse bushes, drainage channels, lakes,ponds and travel backwards.

This lot were relying on John for the perfect tee shot up to the road. What they got was the perfect tee shot under a hedge and then a bombardment of the lake that had the ducks putting on tin helmets and forming a paramilitary unit to return fire. Columbus had an easier trip than this lot to the green. If they hadn’t finished like the Marx brothers they could have competed.

Back to the Longest Drive. While the ladies tee did have a distinct advantage you still have to hit the ball long and straight. If it ain’t on the course it can’t win (fellers!). Clare rarely misses and is very reliable off the tee, so a deserved winner over the gorilla method.

CUBAN HEALS

Not sure if everyone gets the joke in this teams name, but Doug Heal does so who cares. He led out Mike White and Barry Fuller. Barry has another new knee and uses performance enhancing drugs. But sadly not for golf. Mike blows hot and cold but is a dangerous bandit. D

oug has employed Andy ‘Scratch’ Williams as his coach. He is playing regularly and is very dangerous when ON the course. But that makes him particularly dangerous in this format because he only has to produce 6 tee shots AND like me really knows the course.

Fortunately for all concerned all these three are laid back loons of the highest order. Doug spent the day riding on the back of Barry’s golf cart like the Pope’s bodyguard. They spent a lot of time travelling in circles, laughing and occasionally placing a ball carefully into the Shropshire crop fields surrounding the course.

THE PALE RIDERS
WINNERS!!!!!!!!!

Chris Reardon , Fay Wright and Iain McKechnie. Worthy and clear winners. It’s the same old formula, all three have to contribute, all three need to get their tee shots right, all three need a decent putting day. They were the most consistent front and back nine, and the best putters on the day.Roll it up, tap it in. Simples. Chris is moving up the league table of victories. Has an all round solid game. Appears mysteriously from the mists, collects trophies and slips away to fight crime. And finds time to see the Dead Kennedys. Respect.

ROWE OF HOUSES

Dave Rowe in charge of Tom Hingley and Nigel Phillips, who Dave calls Bill Nighy. It didn’t go according to plan off the tee or on the green. The card suggest they spent the first nine holes formulating a plan and the last nine holes planning a way to the pub. When asked for their highlights of the day on the 18th green they replied as follows:

Dave = ‘We haven’t had any’
Tom = ‘Breakfast’
Nigel = ‘I can’t remember any of the holes. I can’t remember anything. I think I went in off the green. No I didn’t, that was last year.’

At this point interviews were suspended.

WESTWOOD HO!

Kev Westwood , man of infinite patience, drawn out last of 8 teams, with Colin ‘Sloth’ Morris and Chris ‘Spliff’ Rose. All previous winners, all capable in their own right and one of the favourites. Most players had finished by the time they crept infront of the clubhouse , past the spectators on the 18th, and down the path to the 15th. They looked absolutely knackered. Were in single file, not communicating and looking at the ground.

Now for most teams this probably wouldn’t be a positive sign. But Mike pointed out, ‘ That’s Kev’s happy face, Colin didn’t speak at all until he was 30 and Chris probably doesn’t know he’s with them’. We all nodded at these sage words. While they had a solid score they couldn’t dislodge Chris Reardons crew.

AFTERMATH

The meal and service and beer at the clubhouse were excellent. As good as anywhere we’ve been. Everyone retired to The Armoury for the evening where the Bromley Mafia got the boxing on their phone, let Barry fall asleep in his chair and much quaffing was had. Even Fay’s sister Jane turned up as the cabaret.