Now I confess that having never played there before I got Fay to take us on the Friday afternoon, we met up with Tom , Kev and Barry and had a “practice” round in glorious sunshine. This is not cheating , this is research. This is preparation. This is focus. This is usually a complete waste of time.

So what happened?

We found the course was subtly difficult, I played my usual dross and Barry , blinded by the light, drove the cart with him and Kev into a bunker on the 15^th. This “invasion of Iraq” replay was the highlight and when we all toddled off to Morris Mansions in Hastings I was quietly contemplating finding yet another sport to suck at, like penguin kicking. No doubt everyone thought “Gil`s quiet”. Clinically depressed would be nearer the mark. Inside, in my heart of darkness, I made Kev look like a rodeo clown. You see, I had been playing well (for me) for a couple of rounds. I decided to wallow in my own misery and get blind drunk. As it turned out this was an inspired decision. Also I had done one thing on the Friday afternoon that did matter – I had asked the ground staff if they were going to move the pin positions, they said no, so I measured every green from front to side and marked the yardage on a second score card with cute diagrams and drawings.

Back to Friday evening. Mrs Morris plied me with half a bottle of red wine. We went down to the FILO where I consumed five and a half pints of real ale called something like Kingrats Armpit Rocketfuel. While doing this I noticed that Mike White was hitting the rough cider like it was going out of fashion, given the fact most of it was either bright puke pink or fluorescent green it probably has gone out of fashion. I made half-hearted attempts to stop his suicide mission ( which was upstaging mine) but as even Roz couldn`t control him I realised he had cracked and at least there would be one player more hungover and worse than me.

Then we drew the teams.

By the time of the 10pm draw I couldn`t pronounce the names properly and my vision was impaired. Mike was being wrestled to the ground and the barrels were independently rotating and generally floating like balloons. When Mike was drawn in my team ( Roz had him pinned by then and was putting his jacket on backwards) I began to sober up realising the depth of humiliation coming the following day. The younger Jasper was our captain – the poor, poor lad. He really didn`t deserve Abbott and Costello. Discussions ensued about “who are the favourites”. Suffice to say, as Mike and I were half carried from the pub, our names were not mentioned. When we arrived back at Morris Mansions the ladies had found the drinks cabinet themselves and I had a nightcap of the rest of the bottle of red wine and three half pints of gin and tonic ( easy on the tonic). I slept on the floor in the lounge, never went to the toilet once (new record) and technically spent seven hours in a coma.

As everyone remembers , Saturday dawned bright and beautiful. I did not. I spent three separate and needful extended periods in the bathroom. When we arrived at Tenterden Golf Club I spent another two sessions in their bathroom, while the Welsh rugby team were also on the run suffering a triumphant loss to France. Fay actually came and hammered on the door of the Gentlemans Locker Room to suggest I got my remaining five stone two ounces to the first tee. Alex Jasper was bright and bouncy, explained his theory of how we were to set about winning, assigned us roles and imbued enthusiasm and belief. His confidence began to wane when he noticed that Mike and I looked like two badly drawn cartoon characters and had the attention spans of goldfish with Alzheimers.

BUT I knew where the pins were, had played with Alex and Mike before (definitely an advantage) and was relaxed as a newt. Now I am not saying that if you drink like Oliver Reed you will necessarily play golf like Jack Nicklaus , because that makes no sense. But compared to all the DVD`s, lessons, practice, theory, professional guidance and club swopping it is the best idea I have had yet.

When one of the three plays six shots better golf than normal the team will be okay. When two of the team play six shots better golf than normal you will be in with a chance of winning. When three of the team do it there ain`t no stopping getting that trophy. Alex and Mike were tremendous, I was unrecognisable as the purveyor of garbage from the previous afternoon. All of us played well below our handicaps and knew from the first three holes it was “special”. Yes we had some duff shots – but only when we had already had a great one and it didn`t matter. We were the only ones searching for the occasional ball with broad grins. Always a great tee shot , good putting. Weird. Can`t explain it. Don`t care. Thank you God.

Teams in reverse order of score:-

7^th with 88 shots THE LOST FLYERS – Roz , Fay and Vicki Rose.

This was Vicki`s debut and teeing off infront of the clubhouse and massed ranks of critics was no doubt nerve racking. We have all been there. But all was redeemed when Vicki put the ball down from off the green and they started with a four! They were one of only 2 teams that got a 3 on the 18<sup>th</sup>, and had another three 3`s. Our 2012 resolution is “more women” and we have to thank Roz who always encourages and helps first timers, she is Head Coach.

6^th with 87 shots THE CUBAN HEALS – Paul Pollington, Kev Westwood and Martin Blincow.

It was the 5 on the first hole and the 6 & 7 finish that stopped this lot. From the 7^th to the 16^th they were excellent, championship form.

5^th with 87 shots THE KARLOFFS – Rob Smith , Barry Fuller and someone Rob entered on the card as a dwarf called Bill (there is no Bill in the Society).

Good first hole, good 18^th and a decent first nine. They lost their way around the turn but sneaked 5^th on countback on back nine. They appeared to be laughing all the way around , that kind of hysterical high pitched “hand me more drugs” laughter. The communication must have been good because none of them can remember each others names and Rob just kept writing “Bill” next to everything. They left Barry with 5 out of the last 6 tee shots ( ah , now I see the damage drugs can do….).

4^th with 85 shots THE BROMLEY MAFIA – Dave Rowe, Richard Marston and Tom Morris.

Tom`s full debut after suffering as my caddie. A 39 on the first nine included 3 double bogies so it shows how good the other holes were. It was the back nine that did for them. I have to say Dave fills in a neat and fully comprehensive card , unlike some, and was as close as anyone will get to winning the Longest Drive. His drive would have won 8 out of 10 of the longest drives we have had, only Roger Bishops at Worfield matched this effort and the only one ever better was…..more later.

3^rd with 85 shots THE MERRY HELL – Dave Plant, Chris Rose and Chris Langridge

Came third on countback. Solid all through apart from the 17^th when they carded an 8. Five shots better on the front nine. Dave`s first Hastings experience, hopefully not the last.

2^nd with 81 shots THE ROMEOS – Jason , Colin Morris and Tom Hingley.

39 out and 42 back. Too many 6`s in the end but on any other day this team would have won , and Tom is due his name on the trophy. Jason has his own private contest with Alex so…….

1^st with 77 shots THE U-BEES – Alex Jasper, Mike White and Gil Wright.

The biggest winning margin. The first time Alex and Mike have won. Alex also won the longest drive with an enormous effort that cruised past a startled Dave Rowe. Six pars and two birdies on the back nine. This also includes 3 lipped putts that could easily have gone in. Given the course and the strength of all the teams this was an amazing performance and I have no idea how it happened. Give enough monkeys enough typewriters and you do get Shakespeare!!

NEAREST THE PIN

This created society history. It had to be abandoned and an alternative competition re-named NEAREST THE GREEN was inaugurated. It was almost NEAREST TO KENT. The committee had no choice as the medal had already been engraved ! Sadly Fay won it , but the ladies deserved something and did par that awkward 18^th.

FILO

Basking in glory and clearly hated by all other members I decided to drink heavily in the FILO again that night. I am still smiling. Alex has the Watson Plate for engraving. He is still smiling. Mike has bought shares in a Cider farm. He is still smiling. Make sure you play in April and remove these smiles.

Remember APRIL 21^st at Telford Golf Club & Spa , Ironbridge Shropshire. At present we have 15 paid, 8 in post or seeing me this weekend leaving one spot open, but we could scrape another tee if necessary. This is a great course and Ironbridge is a cracking venue.

Keep swinging.

Gil