Watson Plate: 16 June 2012
Watson Plate - Telford Golf Club: 16 June 2012
The competition that should have taken place in April finally happened in rainy June. For six years we have been saying we are due dodgy weather. Well, 2012 finally brought it in buckets. End of April brought underwater greens , swimming pool bunkers and fairways not seen since the Somme. Only scuba diving was possible so the original 27 entrants had their lives messed with and 11 replacements became the 24 in June.
Now, due to the English summer, it rained for four days before the comp and was still raining during the comp.
But it was at least playable, albeit a different kind of golf, English winter golf - no roll, drenched, umbrella, soggy, slippy, need shower after golf. Telford GC is such a well designed course with huge tricky greens, with the sun on your back it is one of the best in the county. With the sun firmly in Adelaide and a river running through it, well, it is tough.
So, in order of tee times, here is the damage. The Starter was pleasant enough once charmed and cajoled by the lady competitors, but still clearly missed his days in the turret at the high security wing on the Isle of Wight prison. He warned us that a Ladies Day was following behind so our play needed to be brisk. We reassured him all we wanted to do was get it over with and get in the pub, why hang around. Before events are revealed please note that we had 7 ladies participating for which we were very pleased. This year we have strived to encourage a better gender balance and it really fulfils Mike and Roz`s original vision to get new people playing the game and partners involved. So the more experienced and quality golfers were briefed to coach, encourage and give the newcomers a positive experience, even in the awful conditions.
THE LOST FLYERS Roz Seabourne, Mike White and Mark Thompson
Thommo`s first performance, and a very good one. Seemed to gel as a team from the first tee. Out in 43 and back in 44. Their 87 placed them second on countback. All of them said the “others played really well”. Roz was heading for a perfect storm at one point. The team was doing well, she led Nearest the Pin and then went ahead with the Longest Drive.
The Longest Drive then turned into the most intriguing we have ever had. For a start this was the first time we had also had a “ladies” longest drive. This was because they did not have facility to put a centre line down. Then we arrive at the tee to find a centre line ! But with two markers. In simple terms we only needed one marker because Roz was out ahead, fullstop! The only challenger was Yvonne Johnson. Now that was interesting. Because there is no Yvonne Johnson in our Society. It was just some passing confused lunatic who decided to put her name down on the sheet!!
Even better , she technically came second because no-one beat Roz. Thirteen (yes, 13) golfers went past her drive, not a single one on the fairway. Moral of the story? Be accurate rather than long.Roz is a good golfer.
THE CUBAN HEALS: Doug Heal, Chris Leech and Peter Barnett
Great to see Mr Barnett back, Chris making debut. The first tee was a classic. Which drive to pick? To pick one you have to find a ball. The choice was the 18th fairway, the trees or the driving range. From their card it was clearly a tee issue as much as anything. It reads as if it took an hour to settle down before 4`s and 5`s start to dot the card . The 17th is a particularly difficult hole, especially in these conditions. But they used Pete`s drive and handled it well. A decent finish could not save them from a 99.
THE RED ARROWS Judy Mills, Andy Sweetman and Fay Wright
Andy`s debut. Almost a Wright McMillan Bennett team. Their card is very steady. Only 43 shots going out. One behind the eventual winners. One 7 on the card, lots of pars. A few more dropped putts and they could have won. Finished on 89 and 5th on countback.Judy complained about the conditions. Yep, I agree with her. Caught a nice brown trout in bunker on 14th. An all-round sporting venue you might say. Would think twice about any hotel chain venue in future. Unplayable defined only in terms of earthquake or nuclear attack.
THE KIPPERS Kiran Kapur, Janet Fuller and Nigel Phillips
Started poorly with a 6 and a 7. Then Captain Kipper realised the challenge and they never looked back. 7 pars and a birdie later they were clear winners with a score of 82. All of them are first time winners and you could not get this score in these conditions without sinking your putts and being excellent around the greens. Jan and Nigel were sensible enough not to tell Kiran he has to pay for the engraving before the finish.
Kiran had spent a week at a training camp in Spain – but , hey, even Man City had to make serious investment before winning the Premier League. Very happy for Nigel who has worked really hard and always gives it a go, and it buries the pain of when he was in my team and winning until he lost his mind on the 18th tee at Romney and tried to kill a bungalow (twice).. Well done Kippers! Come and defend the trophy in Hastings.
THE U-BEES Roger Bishop, Gil Wright and Vicki Rose
Clearly the best looking team. It felt a good team performance throughout. No problems with choosing tee shots. Putting good, but 6 lipouts proved really costly. You have to sink `em. The mission was that Vicki enjoyed herself, felt relaxed and at home on a golf course and continues to play. As we came off the 8th tee I began to think we had a chance. Having checked the cards we did. We were joint leaders. Having 3 putted the 9th things began to fall apart. Roger kept going and got stronger as time went on. Unfortunately he had to get more patient as well. Sadly Vicki and I left him to be a one man team between the 12th and the 16th and the damage was done. A far weaker back nine meant a 93 finish and 6th place. My personal highlight probably on the 15th when I hit a tree, then killed a duck/squirrel (corpse unidentifiable even if found) but rebounded from surprised and mutilated animal back onto course. You cannot buy skill like that.
THE NEWKY BROWNS Martin Brown, Mark Shaw and Barry Fuller
Martin worked so bloody hard! A five hour coaching lesson in the pouring rain. The 9th, 13th and 17th stopped them from challenging for the title. But a final score of 87 meant they came third on countback. As Barry reported “ Martin was on his own, poor sod will need therapy”.
What Mark and Barry did say was that he was the best coach and the best learning experience they had had. Well, that is great, because Martin is a very, very good golfer who really helps those less fortunate (i.e. me and the rest of us high handicappers). Barry again – “Martin started off saying hit it long and straight. Then it became hit it long. By the back nine he was saying hit it”.
While Martin went off to lie in a darkened room Mark and Barry really appreciated the master class.
SISTER CLARE`S CELL Clare Kapur, Colin Morris and Kersten Jebbett
Scored a very creditable 89, came fourth on countback after a really impressive 43 on the back nine. Again Colin and Kersten full of praise for Clare`s performance and coaching. Very consistent, never got higher than a 6, getting better as they went on. Kersten did manage to win a prize – by trying to plunge Telford into a blackout by hitting overhead cables twice. These are the trick shots our Society is proud of (dead animals, blackouts, bungalows). More importantly Clare won the Nearest the Pin on the 11th and was sweet enough to ask if she could keep the trophy (what kind of cheapskate outfit does she think we run?). Then again, if we stop engraving the name of the golf club…..mmm….
THE ROMEOS Dave Plant, Chris Rose and Jolly Phillips
Jolly`s debut. Suitable conditions for a Welsh hill farmer. Two 7`s and an 8 on the front nine killed them off as contenders and they finished 7th. Dave had that look of “where`s the pub” as he staggered off. Chris asked where the bar was. I realised we had sent Jolly out with the alky twins. They all seemed happy, couldn`t give a damn about the score and very much enjoyed each others company. Actually they were the team that exactly encapsulates the ethos.
Could not give a toss, didn`t know or care about their score, rain no problem. Scored 99, 7th on countback.
The Golden Ball at Ironbridge was great food and beer, much better than the expensive and awful fare at the golf hotel. But the real celebration began back in Shrewsbury and ended at 3 am the following morning in a manic, dangerous and psychotic Viking funeral, like women`s hockey teams on acid.
Pictures being beamed to the USA. Lots of vomiting and chanting. This was Janet Fuller and Miranda Heal , assisted by Julie Morris, Fay , Kersten and Vicki. Boy, do women know how to win. Never in my 70-odd victories (maybe slight exaggeration) have I partied as hard as this. Please do not tell the Olympic Committee, but your new tops, not to be worn in public, now smell of Martini and the insides of lady hockey players. May the Gods save us from an all womens team victory or there will be deaths…..
Thank you to everyone. Once again golf won.
Sod the weather, we are English for heaven`s sake ( well, apart from those that aren`t…)
Gil