Watson Plate: Beauport Park, Hastings: October 2012

The Government have launched an independent enquiry into whose idea it was to return to play Beauport Park 6 years and 12 competitions after the first near death experience. While this is the course where it all started in 2006, while it may be the spiritual home of our golf society which admittedly caters for the slightly eccentric/mentally challenged golfer, it was an army assault course then and still is now – without monsoon conditions!!

Although Colin Morris now denies all responsibility and spent the weekend doing an amazing impersonation of Pontius Pilate with a bowl of water he is chief suspect. He is the only person who smiles when the place is mentioned and clearly thinks Dante's seventh circle of hell would be an equally acceptable venue to tee off.

The fact that the SAS and 2 Para refused to use the course for their annual golf/gulf outing says it all. Surprisingly there were quite a few members who discovered “pulled muscles”, bad backs, weddings, funerals, hip replacements, auditions for Pop Idol and taking Anne Widdecombe out on a hot date rather than play Beauport.

You cowards know who you are. So this report is for the brave and valiant, some of who lost lives in the making of this film…….and to just confirm, the course was seriously waterlogged and for the first hour the rain came down like machine gun bullets in a Flanders field. Conditions were horrendous times ten. But this is what happened…..

Friday Night Draw

It is now impossible to pick a winning team from the draw – everyone knows the format, the captains are all canny veterans and all players can put bat to ball with such varying results it is like trying to predict where shotgun pellets will land. Add the weather, hangovers etc. and the old Texas Scramble is now like the Grand National, you could put your 50 pence anywhere. Back in 2006 the winning score was 99 – which tells its own story. So on the Friday night, especially given the conditions; much debate occurred over whether 90 could be beaten. Some of us went to bed with that figure in mind.

The Results in Reverse Order

THE KARLOFFS : John Kullman, Fay Wright and Paul Mountford. TOTAL 110

This lot were killed off by the conditions and the evils of the back nine. Out in 54 and back in 56 , including a Greek tragedy on the 17th which is cryptically names “Heartbreak Hill”. The two main events of their days endeavours revolved around Mr Mountford's shoe comedy routine and Mr Kullmans nearest the pin exploits.

Mr Kullman did pretty well what he did 6 years earlier and won Nearest the Pin on the 11th hole with an imperious wood down into the copse circled hole named “Joyous Decent”. There weren't many actually made the green ( better than previous comps when the green was the quietest place for rabbits to hide). So well done John.

Mr Mountford, however, was on his second pair of footwear by then, having lost the soles off his golf shoes and destroyed a pair of trainers Barry had to liberate from his car. Walking around like a demented clown, soaked to the skin, did not help Paul's accuracy. Off the tee he hit every part of Sussex apart from the golf course. This team was accompanied for 5 hours by what sounded like an Amazon logging company as tree after tree was felled by Paul's mighty blade. But he never lost his sense of humour and they finished the round in a shell-shocked exhausted state akin to someone who had entered a revolving door and never got out. They all looked as if they had been trapped in a washing machine with a large tabby cat and 3 bottles of vodka. If the patients in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest” had formed a golf team these three would have been it.

THE RED ARROWS : Paul Pollington, Chris Rose and Mike White. TOTAL 96

Carding four 7's pushed them down the pecking order. They used five of Mr Rose's tee shots on the front nine – which leaves little room for error on the evil back nine. Out in 47 and back in 49. They had a slow start but by the 7th hole had their act together.

THE BROMLEY MAFIA : Dave Rowe, Tom Hingley and Nigel Phillips. TOTAL 95

It was a slow start and a total of four 7's that held this team back. But they came back one shot better than they went out, a very good achievement at Beauport. Dave needs to get hold of Alex Jaspers driver and break it in two at the start of all competitions. These two are clearly kings of the Longest Drive with only Roger Bishop challenging their power. Dave is accurate too. But Alex keeps getting the chance to go after Dave has driven, which maybe helps.

Dave came second in the Longest Drive yet again, with a monstrous hit that would usually win any competition. Mr Phillips wore his mountain climbing gear to combat the weather, including decidedly illegal boots that had no place on a golf course. He wore them for “traction” and as an aid to sure-footedness akin to the Welsh mountain sheep that roam the hills of his Caesars palace. So naturally he vied with Mr Mountford for children’s entertainer of the day by falling flat on his back as his feet went under him on the way to the fourth tee. He played the rest of the round covered in more mud than a Pontypool prop-forward cavorting in a ploughed field. He spent all day indignant at once again being elected God's jester.

THE LOST FLYERS : Roz Seabourne, Chris Langridge and Vicki Rose. TOTAL 93

The Wizard of Roz (to give her the full title some southern players have baptised her with…) is always dangerous – and she has won before while playing with Mr Langridge. Chris knows it's best to obey and when to sheathe his Driver for the sake of the greater good and avoiding a black eye. Vicki is learning fast and playing with Roz is the best training you can get. 45 out and 48 back was a solid performance. The first two tee shots taken were both Vicki's, Chris had the nerve jangler on the 18th. Coming third overall with this score in these conditions is a very good performance.

THE ROMEOS : Rob Smith, Colin Morris and Richard Marston. TOTAL 89

Ladbrokes had this lot as favourites. Colin and Richard have played Beauport more than anyone else – home turf you might say. They have both been in winning teams before. They started slowly with 5-6-5 but then hit their stride to finish with a front nine of 42. In the end it was the 15th and 17th , both par 5's, that pushed them into second place. They had to use 4 of Colin's tee shots on the back nine but finished strong with a 4 on the 18th. In these conditions and on this course breaking 90 is a truly ace performance.

THE U-BEES: Alex Jasper, Gil Wright and Martin Blincow. TOTAL 85

And for the 5th time, as popular a victor as ever, Gil finds a way to win. This is the first time I have won and not been booed at the presentation – obviously the critics are weary and worn down by the inevitability and persistence of the Staffordshire juggernaut. Alex's 2nd victory and Martin's first. This was written in the stars at the Friday night draw – thank you Mike and the various wives that drew the lots. The course was under water and the society has only 3 players who are out-and-out iron players that can dig through the mud and have low trajectory – yep, these three. No messing with fairway woods. Just get the spade in!!

Plus these three had been a team before 2 years ago at Seaford Head (where they came third) which meant from the start they slipped into roles they already had rehearsed. This mattered more than you may think,it certainly helped par the first, birdie the third, birdie the fourth, par the fifth and claim 39 on the first nine. The back nine was hard work but was negotiated safely with lots of team discussion and captaincy leadership. Having used four of Gil's drives on the front nine it was Martin who had to hold his nerve on the 17th and 18th tees. Which he did brilliantly. Whenever anyone had to come up with the goods they simply did. 85 on that course on that day is truly outstanding.

Personally I never want to see Beauport Park again. I shall certainly have a prior engagement if the place is ever mentioned. I even considered retiring completely after this one – at the top. But the next comp is on Staffordshire soil for the first time – home turf. Alex won Longest Drive yet again with a complete artillery shell just to annoy Dave. His only regret is that he has to pay the engraver – such is the price of glory.

THE FIRST IN LAST OUT

Thanks to our annual drink the pub dry efforts it is interesting to see that the FILO has decorated and improved facilities. It was good to see so many partners turn out for the evening. The beer was as good as ever, but due to the Festival we rarely ever get chance to drink the FILO's own brews. In 2013 we shall – because we are playing the week BEFORE Bonfire night. So the pub should be quieter and the drinks are on Tom Morris because it is his last chance to buy illegal alcohol before his 18th the following week. Please make sure you have paid for Perton Park in April. Please ensure all southerners declare themselves to Chris Langridge in anticipation of the Marston Cup in July. The North is ready!!