Watson Plate - Perton Park GC: 27 April 2013

Another classic:

24 competitors, Peter Barnett inventing a new shot, the need for compulsory drug tests, the joys of Plant Hilton Hotel, the ability of Rob Smith to carry ten beers at once in one hand – just a few of the highlights.

Results in reverse order:

THE KARLOFFS = Rob Smith, Dean Harris and Nigel Phillips

It was the start that killed them. Two 7's and a 6 in the first four holes and using 4 of Rob's drives by the seventh. Having gone out in 50 they made a much better fist of it on the back nine, infact on holes 10 through 15 they performed better than anybody. TOTAL 95

MERRY HELL = Dave Plant, Jolly Phillips and Pete Barnett

Again it was the first few holes that undid them, once they settled down things were much improved. The highlight was the newly invented “Harrier Jump Jet Barnett” on the first tee.
Last October we had the “Phillips Submarine” where the ball was hammered half an inch forward and six inches into the ground, now commonly known as “The Nigel Nail”. But Mr Barnett gave the large crowd the highest shot of the day, or possibly ever, without any real distance gained.

Apparently he had been practising this trick shot all week at his Bewdley golf camp, hoping to eliminate as many opponents as possible by concussing all and sundry around the first tee. Halfpenny Airport (or Wolverhampton International as it is known locally) has since lodged a formal complaint with the golf club about airspace violations and a near miss on one of their Piper Cherokees.

All this accounts for Mr Plant's glazed expression as he was helped off the 18th tee by his therapist, who had received the emergency call from Dave after the team got a 7 on the par 4 hole five. Peter has now apparently had job offers from the North Korean military, vague rumblings about defence missile systems he may be able to help with. TOTAL 93

NO ACCOUNTS = Richard Marston, Kev Westwood and Fay Wright

On reflection using all of Richards tee shots on the front nine and getting an 8 on hole five probably did for them as contenders. They scored 44 on the back nine and were solid if not spectacular. They finished 6th overall in a tight group of scores. TOTAL 91

BROMLEY MAFIA = Dave Rowe, Doug Heal and Vicki Rose

They were last to tee off and were solid on the front and the back nine. But hole eight was a knee in the proverbial groin, they got a 9, to which Dave wrote “ouch!” next to it on the card.

There was a little tear stain as well…yet between holes 10 and 15 they were the best team (maybe they are better in the rain). It did not help having to use 5 of Doug’s tee shots on the back nine – he has been orienteering of late. TOTAL 90

THE U-BEES = Gil Wright, Chris Rose and Kersten Jebbett

Went out in 43 and were in contention until the 16th, sadly 20 shots for the last three holes was suicide! Until then all had gone well, although thanks to Gil’s general incompetence they had to use 5 of Chris’s tee shots on the front nine holes.

Kersten wrecked the captains “Lady Tees Theory” by excelling on the par three holes they DIDN’T want her to use her tee shots on. She disobeyed specific instructions by winning Nearest the Pin on both hole 2 and hole 10!!!

Two Medal Jebbers , as she now known on the LPGA circuit, played steady hockey, er , that is, golf, all the way around the course. Gil did not start until the back nine and Chris was on his usual Bob Marley tour, asking whether we had any wine in our golf bags and deciding the rain and temperature was not to his liking on about the 14th and that it would be best if he stayed under his umbrella and took no further interest in the proceedings.

But it was really enjoyable, Kersten was the hero. TOTAL 90

THE ROMEOS = Roger Bishop, Tom Hingley and Barry Fuller

Fresh from the Lydd training camp (and heavy drinking in Cumbria) Barry was ready to compete and try and join his wife on the Watson Plate hall of fame. They came close too, finishing third. Good, consistent golf on both nines, good distribution of drives. All round decent golf. The 18th was their worst hole , but a pretty steady team effort. TOTAL 87

THE RED ARROWS = Mike White, Chris Langridge and Jan Fuller

An excellent performance which would probably have won on any other day. Good distribution of tee shots between the front and back nines, Mike the captain taking the tricky 18th.

Mike is a member of this club and maybe it showed, on the other hand Chris and Jan had never seen it before and it takes three good performances to get their score. 43 out and 41 back. That 41 back cost them the championship by one shot, the 6 on the 16th hole was the killer.

The winning team got an incredible 40 on the back nine in the rain, that is how close it was. TOTAL 84

WINNERS –
THE LOST FLYERS = Roz Seabourne, Mark Shaw and Chris Leech

Well, this is a story.They won it on the back nine with a 40 , including six 4’s. Mark finally got reward for his efforts and recent signs of improvement off the tee. Chris is a very good player who just doesn’t play much golf, and as for the Wizard of Roz…..!! I think everyone is now aware that Roz has faced some tough health issues.

She wasn’t even supposed to play but stepped in at the last minute to replace Clare. In the early stages of rehab from her operation she decided to prepare for the golf by having chemotherapy on the Friday afternoon, swallowing more steroids than Arnold Schwarzenneger, staying up all night to make soups and curries and organise Mike ready for the invasion of southern visitors.

The team started second but posted a score the following teams could not match. Roz was full of praise for her team mates and I cannot think of a more appropriate or deserved victory in any of the competitions we have had. This damn woman is indestructible – mention must go to Linda Plant, her fitness coach.

And also Mike – who knows better than to try and stop her doing whatever she puts her mind to. All that said, it is such a shame that Gil has brought in a new rule regarding doping/random drug tests and this win will not count ( certainly if Gil can find a way to disqualify the second and third team as well…). Oh bugger it….well done you three! TOTAL 83

The South would like to thank Roz and Mike for the excellent digs and food. Gil and Fay, Chris and Vicki would also like to thank the Plants two doors down for the five star accommodation and breakfast from heaven. Dave and Mike had selected the Roebuck on the Penn Road for the evenings de-brief, and it turned into a cracking night, lots of Sunbeam beer and lunatic stories, revealing that Mr Smith is a national institution and needs preserving.

Towards the end of the evening Rob the hairdresser dropped off Barry and Jan’s daughter having kidnapped her and taken her to Crewe Alexander v Walsall. She hopes to be released from the secure unit sometime in June.