Watson Plate - Lydd Golf Club: October 2013

Swans and Dramatic Finishes

Never let anyone tell you that all these Palermo competitions are the same……a bit like World Cup matches you wait ages and then a classic comes along when least expected. This was a classic on and off the course for various surreal reasons.

For a start the journey down for some of the northern players turned into an 8 hour ordeal due to a stray swan landing on the fast lane of the M25 near Heathrow. Because they are protected a very patient lady from the RSPCA had to walk alongside the bird encouraging it to the hard shoulder and eventual take off. This took her about one and a half hours as traffic built up and we all stared out of our car windows wondering what roast swan would taste like. Little did we know that swans would also play a significant part during the competition.

The day before the competition it rained in a biblical manner, so we all wondered about the potential state of the course. The draw was made at the FILO and Urinating Badgers (The U-Bees) led by Mr Morris installed as favourites. Although by this time Mr Wright was anxiously feeling his back and moving to the bar like Groucho Marx. Let it also be noted that Tom Morris was in attendance, it being his last weekend before turning 18.

When Saturday dawned the sun fought its way through and against all the odds (considering Sunday was a complete washout) the actually golf was bathed in sunshine which gave everyone a lift. Due to work on the course by Southern Water the first nine holes had to be played twice, but this was probably beneficial on the day.

Unfortunately Mr Wright was by this time in agony, so Nurse Julie gave him her medication, reassuring him that in a few hours he would feel no pain and would sail through any period issues. Sadly the drugs did not kick-in until the 14th hole, by which time his team mates had carried him while trying not to club him over the head with a mashie niblick. He hit the fairway for the first time on the 14th but by then the U-Bees suspected all was lost…….little did they know!

Lydd can be a difficult course if the wind gets up, but fortunately it was relatively benign, although this did not stop the competitors from wandering all over Kent and practically onto the airport. At the turn The U-Bees led by Mr Morris were winning by 3 shots, if only they had known. Colin and Richard were holding things together waiting for Gil to start. Rob, Doug and Chris were the nearest challengers , closely followed by John, Barry and Fay.

Now here is where swans come into it again….there appeared to be a swan trapped at the side of the second hole and this elicited diverse reactions. Those trapped on the M25 wanted it on a spit with various sauces. Dave Rowe thought it would be encouraged to rescue itself if he chucked a lump of 2 by 4 at its head.

Nigel Phillips, in Zen mode, insisted that if their team helped the feathered messenger then God would provide them with brilliant shots and ultimately victory. So Dave launched his missile and the swan lurched off in an explosion of feathers to a safer and muddier ditch (or to buy a builders safety helmet).

Nigel considered this “a rescue”. He appeared to be heavily medicated for the whole weekend. His gay laughter echoed around the course and he kept proclaiming “what a wonderful day it was” and how he was “enjoying the game”. Anyone who knows Nigel will immediately realise the real Nigel had been kidnapped and replaced with a body double – Dave and Chris were not complaining, but whenever paths crossed they insisted no drug tests could be undertaken because Roz had set a precedent and anyway, Gil was as high as Hendrix (even if his balls weren’t).

There was a new trophy for Nearest the Pin – to be known as The Fuller Trophy – which was promptly won by one of his team mates, John Kullman. Well done John! But the best thing about this tournament was the dramatic and without doubt the best finish of any competition so far. The U-Bees (Colin, Rich,Gil) had set off first, held the lead after nine by three, but had two poor holes on the back nine. They took a 7 on the eleventh and disaster really struck on the 18th. Colin’s tee shot veered off into the trees to be seen no more and leave a 3 off the tee situation. He had been so reliable until then, and even then no one could have predicted the consequences. The result was a damaging 7 on the last and the U-Bees posted a total of 85.

Second to finish were The Stoned Roses (Tom Rose, Vikki Rose and their secret weapon Michael) . Michael was clearly the most talented golfer there, still young enough to twist and pick his own ball out of the hole. The bugger! We hope he had a strange enough time to play again next year. Tom had been appointed to work at Sussex County Cricket club only that week, so he was still dancing on clouds. This team ended with 90. But the great thing at Lydd, assisted by the sunshine, was that there was a convenient viewing mound and everyone stayed and watched their opponents come in. This really mattered and was part of what ensued.

Next in were The Karloffs ( John Kullman, Fay Wright and Barry Fuller). John had won nearest the pin and they had been steady, 43v out but 42 in. Giving them a total of 85 and a share of the lead.

After them arrived The Bromley Mafia (Dave Rowe, Chris Langridge and Nigel Phillips), finishing strongly with a 2, 4, 4. Nigel still smiling. Chris and Dave looking slightly bemused by their Bill Nighy lookalike team-mate. But nothing could blunt the helium he had been inhaling, he grinned loudly as their last putt sank for a total of 87. He was led away by the doctors muttering “we saved a swan, we are swan savers, I am a swan…”

So with the last team wide left off the fairway it looked like a countback scenario or a last hole playoff. The Karloffs were polishing their putters and the U-Bees were slyly grinning about the great escape and the chance to still get their hands on the Watson Plate. Rob Smith’s tee shot had left The Cuban Heals ( Rob Smith, Doug Heal and Chris Rose) in the rough off left about 170 yards from the pin.

Up stepped Doug who promptly slashed the ball out of its poor lie, sailed it to the green where it came to rest about nine feet from the hole. One of the shots of the day in front of the full audience. The gallery was impressed but the putt was slightly downhill and a little left to right. As if winning the Masters Chris Rose stalked the ball, stooped over it as if Jack Nicklaus and then stroked it home for a birdie, and a tournament win by one shot!

The Cuban Heals had 84 to seal the match with a 4 shot swing on the 18th. Finishes do not get any better or more dramatic. I believe this is the third win for Doug and Chris but the first for Mr Smith, better known as Ugg the Magnificent.

The meal was very good, the club friendly and there was much discussion about a swift return to play full 18 with its tricky back nine. If the weekend had ended there it would have been great, but this is all about friendship, society and general humiliation.

So the Saturday night drinking is equally as important! The majority of the competitors disembarked to the Queens Head at Icklesham. What a good move this was and maybe a precedent for next year. We were given a back room to ourselves, the beer was incredible, we had ex-pupils in fancy dress, friends and relatives joining us until over 20 drunks were swopping stories. Miranda was leading what now appeared to be a Viking raid and was mixing anything alcohol with anything else alcohol. More later.

Meanwhile the Bromley Mafia and Rich had been summoned to Porters in Hastings by the Beautiful Witches of Eastwick. In retaliation they had thought it a good idea to drink the establishment dry of Raki and Magners (mixed?) which culminated in Rich sitting and destroying his new state of the art phone and Rob “The Winner” Smith trying to liberate a nun.

The action did not end there. When the Queens Head faction returned to Hotel Julie it was clear that Miranda was tired and well, totally rat-arsed, and rather than listen to another 300 choruses of Delilah her husband put her in bed.

Regrettably the Beast from Stoke then decided, having no doubt had a bad pie, to projectile vomit and carefully cover the whole bedroom with a red lumpy gloss. Bed linen, carpets, curtains, the odd wall; Firehose Fanny did it all. Doug began piling the formerly pristine white contents of their bedroom into the bath. Julie stayed calm and reached for the chemicals. At breakfast Doug convinced Miranda the stair carpets had had to be removed and needed industrial cleaning. Miranda had to be coaxed from the bedroom suffering from acute embarrassment.

Her 2014 booking at Hotel Julie has been cancelled. Just to further Julie’s paranoia, Miranda sent a big bouquet of flowers a few days later as an apology with a covering note of repentance saying “ Sorry for ruining your bedroom and linen, but we had a great time!”. This would have been perfectly reasonable had Miranda not got the address wrong and sent it to a neighbour the Morris’s don’t know a few doors away who now thinks Julie is a Swinger. If she is, that is her business.